Lighting The Way
by Oddly Ginger
Summary: His dad was a hero, and a legend in his own time before falling in battle. Joshua's smaller and less brave than Finn the Human ever was, but all those whom Finn loved and fought for are in trouble, and there are no new heroes in sight. "Happy birthday, kid. I'm gonna give you the world." Now he just has to save it.
1. Prologue: Good Bye, Ooo

_-Author's Note-_

_This is my newest multi-chapter story for Adventure Time, in its own category. Bless Pendleton Ward for creating this sandbox!_

_The first chapter is short, and mostly in first-person perspective, but we'll be back to normal soon enough. Normal lengths and perspective, at least. Our question for the story: what happens when the hero dies too soon?_

_There will be a bit of drama, but I'm hoping to keep this from becoming too much of a downer. Humor, excitement, romance and all that good stuff._

Lighting The Way

Fandom: Adventure Time

**Prologue: Good Bye, Ooo**

**-The Burning Plains-**

My name is Finn. I'm the last human in all of Ooo, and I'm about to die. I mean, I guess I've thought that lots of times. I've gotten pretty close, and no matter how quickly I bounce back, I always figured I'd eventually _bounce_ just a bit too hard. I've gotta stop using that word- I think it's just because Jake's gone superball and is herding those demons back around to me. Thanks, bro, but I definitely do _not_ need help finding demons. I'm more or less buried in them.

I'm twenty-three, now. What's the average life expectancy for a hero? I started pretty young. As soon as mom and dad died and Jake took me in. Does that mean I got a head start on staying alive, or does it just mean a longer time that I had it coming to me? Math was never really my strong point.

Ouch. Claw to the guts. I was bleeding a lot before, but dang, that's a lot more. A fireball splashes down over me and clears the area. I have a second to breathe. Or not breathe- it's really, _really_ hard to breathe at the moment. The fireball warms my heart though, and that's not just a bad pun- Flame Princess is on the sidelines, throwing potshots to help us out. She can't move much at the moment, cause of the baby and all, but every bit helps.

How crazy is that? I'm gonna be a dad- just like Jake, except I'll be changing diapers a lot longer than he ever did. Humans and fire elementals both grow a lot slower than rainicorns.

Another fireball hits me, but it's weaker. Fae (as any 'sexy, rugged adventurer who I'm dating', as she said, is allowed to call her) can't push herself too hard. That's okay. Unlike the demons, I'm safe from her shots no matter how strong the blasts are.

Turns out that spending a solid week without sleep to layer several thousand Flame Shield spells over your body makes it permanent. That was really, really useful once she and I, you know, made it past tier six. I think we're about where we're starting to invent new ones, to be honest.

If it weren't for my fire immunity, I'd be thinking about cauterizing my guts a bit, just about now, but even that wouldn't help much. Jake sees, now, how much trouble I'm in. His bouncing ball mode becomes a wrecking ball mode, but he won't reach me. And I still have to close the portal.

I turn, and stumble, and catch myself. My vision's swimming, but even googly-eyes don't stop me from seeing the massive azure portal. Demons are still pouring out of it, but Marceline, a platoon of banana guards, and a couple other schmucks that we roped into this are keeping them from escaping the Burning Plains. Good. I want to make this a complete victory. The only kind worth anything, at the moment. Have to keep Ooo safe...

Ow, again. Back on target, now, Finn the Human, you've got a ways to go.

I switch sword hands, and let my good arm cover my guts. Don't want them to leak out and snag on anything- that would slow me down. Around my neck, I've got the Gem of Sealing. It's one of those truth-in-advertisement artifacts, in that it just seals things. Portals, doorways, and toilet lids, which I only discovered when Jake thought he'd try to be funny during one of my bathroom night-time bathroom trips. I got him back, though, when I-

_Focus, Finn!_

The portal is transparent. Through it, I can see the pavilion that we just had enough time to put together. All of our long-distance fighters are there. Princess Bubblegum is sending orders out by message birds, and seems to have everything under control. But that can't last forever. Not by a long shot.

I strike down two more of the towering, demonic vanguard. I've got a feather taken from the Cosmic Owl himself (don't ask me how I managed _that)_ tied to my wrist. The holy aura, and the sheer sharpness of my blade, helps me take them out. One gets _another_ hit in. Swing, step forward, still forward...

I'm gonna be a dad soon. I said that already, but it's just that big a mind-bender to me, still. Fae's more beautiful than ever. I can see her, now. Past the dimensional break of the transparent portal, she's looking right at me. Trying to summon up another fireball. She looks... afraid?

Don't look like that, Princess. Please. I've had worse. Everything will be fine, I promise. I mouth the words to her, but I'm still very aware that my footing's getting worse. It's not the terrain, it's because my shoes are wet and slick. I know the reason, so I make sure not to look down. That would be a _bad _idea.

I'll be fine, Princess. See? I've got the Gem in my hand. It's reacting. This'll all be over soon.

Just like magic (ha ha, get it?), the portal dims. Now, if Peebles was right, the force that let the demons out should now pull them in...

I realize it just then. I'm in front of the portal. I can _hear _the wave of demonic flesh, living and unliving, sweeping toward me. This is going to hurt. This is where it ends. Good bye, Ooo, I did everything I could.

I look up, and I can catch her eyes. I smile for her, as brightly as I can. She always claims it cheers her up, but I can see her crying...

The first body strikes me, and I'm pulled toward the portal. For one moment, I'm drawn just that bit closer to Fae, until the light closes over my eyes.

Good bye.

**-The Pavilion-**

"Finn!" Princess Bubblegum was frozen still, in the face of the sudden end of hostilities. They'd done it. She'd hardly processed what exactly had taken place, however, before several of her guards rushed forward to try to restrain the Flame Princess. Her body was too dim to do more than warm them, in her late stage of pregnancy, but Bonnibel Bubblegum orders them off of her anyway- the field below is safe enough. In any case, it's far too late to do anything.

"Finn!" The name was shouted, cried, and shrieked out in tandem by nearly every party present. The princess of the Candy Kingdom, though, knew with scientific precision just how far their champion had been taken. Beyond help or communication. Beyond medical care. Beyond friends, but not beyond enemies. Princess Bubblegum knew, and so when she spoke, it was merely in a hushed whisper.

"Oh, Finn. You silly, little boy." Not so silly. Not so little. His wife (and their boy hero had indeed married) was running to the last spot he'd stood on in all of Ooo. Jake was doing likewise. Everyone was, in fact, and the princess let her feet carry her along, toward the spot.

Toward the mourners.

"Finn, oh Finn, man..." Jake looked as miserable any any dog ever had. His brother, whom he'd raised by himself after their parents' death, was gone. Godfather of his puppies.

Marceline didn't cry- she seemed too stricken and shocked to cry. Her little buddy, the lone human who'd _refused_ to fear her, was gone.

There were others, but so few had made it to the battle on time. Fewer still were as close to the hero. But they, too, mourned.

And the Flame Princess had gone dim, and just barely been tinged blue in her despair.

"Finn? Come back, honey. You need to come back, now... _please..._"

Princess Bubblegum turned away. To organize the clean up. To... to prepare a memorial. To do what she could to keep her people safe in a land that had lost its greatest protector, and for all that, had become a much more dangerous place.

_-Author's Note-_

_Short, yes, but future chapters will be much longer, per my usual habits. Things kick off, next time, with a nine-year time jump. Ooo has become, as the princess summarized above, a much more dangerous place, and even our main character knows that the land needs its hero back in the worst way._

_But how to go about accomplishing _that?


	2. Hello, Ooo

_-Author's Note-_

_Don't like original characters? Well, sometimes they're an unfortunate necessity. And I sort of _like_ this particular unfortunate necessity, so hold onto your butts._

_We'll be seeing everyone you're used to, soon enough._

_I'm writing this because, really, every other author should do a kid hero story. What's not to like? (Do not answer that.)_

_Ooo seems to go from cheery to dark at the drop of a hat, and back again, in the show. We're gonna see a more orderly progression. Ooo is cheery because it's protected. The more sword-swingin' chaotic neutrals, the more space is left over for 'dark misunderstandings' of the sparkles and apple pie sort. In summation I offer you... eventual pie? I'm pretty sure that's a terrible moral, but hey, whatever._

**Chapter One: Hello, Ooo**

**-The Mountain Kingdom-**

His name was Joshua, and he had never been so afraid in all nine years of his life. He was reasonably sure, in fact, that he was about to die. There was only himself, and the wooden toy sword held shakily in his two, small hands, and the large circle of carrion birds.

He hadn't noticed them, at first. They were two feet tall, with an insane wingspan, but their dark plumage didn't show up in the dusk light at all. They'd drifted silently down to perch in the tree limbs above him, until they surrounded the boy. He'd only known they were there when the largest let out a loud, sharp _CAW!_

The evil-eyed thing had _wanted_ him to see. To know he was helpless. He'd gone from pretending to fight off a horde of imaginary bad guys that could never, ever possibly beat him, to being surrounded by a real group of baddies that would tear him apart. It was probably his hair that had caught his attention- bright blond, but giving off a small, constant stream of harmless embers.

It had been stupid to go out in the dim light. He should have listened to mom, should have-

The lead bird's wings flapped, and he flung the sword at it, end-over-end, as hard as he could.

And then he ran.

Joshua was quick. He was small for his age, but hardly seemed to touch the ground when he ran full-out. He ran that fast now. Home was just ahead, wasn't it? Well, probably not _just_ ahead- he'd wandered very far, after all. And 'ahead' was probably relative. The forest trails near the gully wove around themselves like strands of spaghetti. Would the twisted track slow them down? He hoped so, because he could hear the entire, murderous flock taking to the air behind him.

Up, down, through one trickling branch of the gully, back up the embankment. His limbs shook, from exhaustion and the feeling of the cold water on his legs. Cold liquids made his muscles seize up and, paradoxically, feel like they were burning.

Small creatures scattered, and he felt sort of bad when he hoped he birds might go after _them_ instead. That, though, didn't work. There was just the growing noise of beating wings and raspy talons and it wasn't _fair_ because he could see his Kindle Cabin _just_ beyond the trees-

"Bark! Bark, bark, bark!"

It was massive and yellow and blurred with uncanny speed. Fists like piledrivers swept just over Joshua's head, and he slid gratefully to the ground.

"Back off, you bunch of stupid pigeons! I've got plenty more, so have a slice of Jake pie!" There was another bark, and the sound of bodies sling-shotting across the treetops. "Lay off the nephew!"

Finally it was quiet again, but for the sound of boy and dog breathing heavily. A stretchy, impossibly strong arm tucked itself under the boy's shoulders and levered him up.

"Are you alright, Joshua? Not hurt, or nothin'?" Slowly, Joshua lowered his arms from where they'd protected his face.

"I'm fine, uncle Jake," he said, doing his best to smile bravely. The bulldog looked relieved.

"Good. Now I won't say nothin', cause I won't wanna coddle you, but we should head inside. Your mom lured me over with a promise of meatloaf."

"Dad's favorite," mumbled the boy. The bulldog scratched the back of his head, sheepish.

"Yeah, I guess it was." Jake chuckled.

They walked to the house, together. Even as the adrenaline was wearing off, Joshua couldn't help but wonder at the fact that he was already four inches taller than his uncle. Of course, measuring your height against a dog was usually pretty sure to boost your ego, but it was _progress._

Joshua was short compared to most other humanoid his age, except for the ones who wouldn't end up more than a few feet tall even in adulthood. It was always, "oh, he's so small" or "the poor thing looks sickly, is that _normal?", _and he hated it.

His uncle was still picking loose feathers out from between his paws when Joshua opened the door for them. His mother, per usual, had her eyes on him the second he walked in.

"Joshua, sweetie, are you alright? You're a mess..." She hurried forward with a clean towel, and forced his shoes off. "Are you alright?" she asked again.

"Aw, he's fine, Fae. He was swinging his sword a bit and walked through the water." Jake was discreetly tucking the last few feathers into his stretched fur, to leave them invisible. Joshua cast back a quick smile- his mom would fret _forever_ if she heard what had happened.

"What happened to your sword, Joshua?" she asked, still suspicious. Joshua adopted a shame-faced expression.

"It broke... the pieces floated downstream."

"No biggie, I can carve him another one! My whittling has gotten so good- man, you wouldn't even _believe," _Jake assured both of them, and wandered off. "You were nice enough to cook, I'll just set the table."

Even though he had to wear a warm compress around each shin, Joshua enjoyed dinner. His uncle was _fun_, and had hundreds of stories. This time, as the three sat around the fireplace and drinking hot chocolate, the story was about the Goblin King, before and after. Joshua knew the story by heart, but never got tired of hearing it.

"...and you could tell your dad really, really _wanted_ to say something. It was like the eyes were looking at him!" Joshua's mother, the princess of flame, tittered, but cast a quick look at Joshua. Was it the gore? Most of uncle Jake's stories were... messier. Was it mentioning his father?

Well, Joshua still wasn't sure how he felt about that, but couldn't bring himself to flinch at every mention of the great Finn- it was the only way he'd ever know about him.

"Wait," the boy said, cutting in. "Am I, uh, the Goblin Prince, or something?" Jake made to laugh, and then stopped. Obviously, since 'Finn the Human' was still technically considered the king of the goblin folk (even if only as a cardboard mascot), and had died, and now his son...

"Don't ever, _ever_ tell that to _anybody,_" cautioned the dog. "Those goblins will drag you into all kinds of crazy I don't even want to contemplate."

"Got it," said Joshua in a small voice. His mother shook her head tiredly.

"I think it's just about time for you to get to bed, Joshua. Say goodbye to your uncle and wash up, wouldn't you?" Feeling just a bit too tired from his earlier escape, Joshua agreed without complaint. He hugged the canine and made his way upstairs to the bathroom.

He ran the shower and glanced, for a moment, in the mirror. Slightly choppy blond hair, check. Ever-present sparks, the proof of his elemental heritage, check. Scrawny arms and legs, check. He scowled. His dad must have been all kinds of huge and powerful, at his age. His scowl stayed, when he realized that he'd forgotten his pajamas. He left the water running (they were never short of hot water, in their household) and crept out into the hallway.

He heard voices. Gently, quietly, he snuck over to the top of his stairs.

"Jake, I was married to Finn for four years. I can recognize injury patters by memory. Did he go out adventuring? Did _you_ take him?" Joshua knew that tone- it meant his mother was just short of flinging bolts of flame.

"No! Of course not. He just ran into some mean birds. Pigeons, I think."

"Jake..." A groan.

"...Nightlin' Gales. I took 'em out. He was smart and ran, you know how quick he is. I'm sure he just didn't want to worry you."

"I'm always worried. I don't let him out at night anymore, and he's so small..."

"I could train him up. I wasn't ever as savvy as Finn, but no one knows survival like we did. You can't, I mean, you won't be able to keep him inside forever." Joshua held his breath. If anything could have sent his fierce, protective, most-definitely-a-fire-elemental mother into a rage, it would be to say something like _that._

"...I know. Maybe it _would _be better. I can't teach him. He couldn't fight like I do. He's got a strong spark, like my father liked to say, but it doesn't _burn._ And Glob, sometimes I'm just so thankful for that..."

Joshua had heard enough. He grabbed his nightwear, and retreated back to the bathroom. He stayed under the hot water longer than was strictly necessary before heading to bed. When his mother and uncle Jake came to check up on him, he pretended to be asleep.

"I'm afraid, Jake."

"Me too, princess."

**-The Next Morning, Kindle Cabin-**

Joshua woke to a pounding on the door downstairs. Groggy and spitting sparks haphazardly, the boy (he'd tried styling himself, once as the last half-human, but that had upset his mother) pulled on his normal daywear and stumbled downstairs.

His mom had greeted, if not made feel entirely welcome, a small entourage of soldiers from the Flame Kingdom.

Joshua eyed them, from the stairs. Of course he'd visited the 'homeland', but never for more than a few days. It was gloomy, for all that it burned constantly, his own mom hated it, and he himself couldn't stay there for more than a few days before his natural resistance wore thin.

"So as you can see," said the lieutenant heading the group, "with the king dead, and rebellion threatening our borders, we need you _back_, my lady." His mother straightened up.

"Surely you're plenty prepared for the possibility of rebellion, Ansurge? Flame folk are certainly treacherous enough that it should be at the very front of a soldier's handbook." The man was struggling with his temper at that point, but bowed.

"As you say, your highness. However, that doesn't change facts. And with our kingdom, so long as it is in a neutral state, preventing the tribes of the eastern deserts from marching upon the Candy and Mountain Kingdoms..." The concepts were just barely within Joshua's understanding, but he understood his mom's body language readily enough. She'd gone indecisive.

"While I could certainly see us putting down any number of rebellions," she said, "I could not leave my son here. Nor would he survive within the kingdom. And unless you're suggesting I _leave_ him..."

"Not at all," replied the soldier, though Joshua felt he might have been suggesting exactly that. "Surely you know of someone who could safely keep him." It was not a suggestion, but it was framed as one. Joshua _really _hoped he wouldn't have to help retile the roof, which happened whenever his mom got too upset. Scraping the guard off of the walls would be equally distasteful, he had to admit.

"There is Bonnibel," she admitted. "Candy Kingdom is in a better position than most, and she _owes_ me. I'm certain you can spare a guard?" The lieutenant, perhaps feeling cheerful at the thought that he'd both completed his task and been allowed to burn for another day, bowed deeply.

"At your leave. Corporal Mismelt is a skilled man."

In what he felt was a particularly clever move, Joshua was back in his room shirtless, and pretended to groggily pull the article on just as his mother entered the room with a knock.

"Honey? Some business has come up."

**-The Border Of The Mountain Kingdom-**

"Your father made fools of us all on more than one occasion," remarked the corporal. "He blindsided the king himself, stole the daughter of royalty, and then, oh, _then_, had the gall to save our kingdom twice." Mismelt glanced down at Joshua. "It's not something I'd ever think to say of a flesh-being, but we could have used your father about now."

"But, mom, the Flame Princess I mean, she can take care of things. And then... come home?" The elemental had what seemed to be an entirely pitiless glance, but nodded all the same.

"Indeed. Her highness is possibly one of the most powerful beings in Ooo these days. She can install a regent once the crisis is over, and step down for a time." Just for a time, he'd said- this would happen again, and again, and once Joshua was grown up, he had no doubt that his mother would have to settle in there more permanently. In a place that would overcome his fire resistance within days...

Southeast, following the mountain-fed rivers and east through the forests that bordered the Candy Kingdom, Joshua and the corporal were making what the flame elemental claimed was 'good time' on their trip to the Candy Kingdom.

The young half-human wondered more than once why they weren't going 'straight' there, instead of carving their way closer to the south river than was necessary. When asked, though, Mismelt had offered the shorter route an uneasy glare and insisted that their current course was the quickest way.

It was dumb. Joshua could have said as much, but... a tiny thought echoed in the back of his head.

_What am I not being told?_

This was not the shorter way. Was it safer? Of course, people refused to tell Joshua about dangerous things all the time, which was dumb. But Candy Kingdom was safe, and heavily patrolled...

Or maybe one of those two things was wrong. If it wasn't being patrolled, then Princess Bubblegum's forces were in worse shape than they had been, and he wouldn't have been sent this way. So maybe there was just more danger around, and...

There was a noise, behind the duo.

Question answered.

The creature that had stepped out from the dark, thorny thicket was big. Bigger than anything he'd ever seen his uncle Jake shapeshift into. As massive as the gumball guardians, if they'd been squashed down and hit with the Ooo's biggest ugly stick.

"Prince?"

"Yes, corporal?" The massive fire elemental caught the boy up in two massive, fiery hands.

"Run." He catapulted the boy up and out, as if he weighted nothing more than a rock. For Joshua, the world became a spinning, noxious blur of pastel running into black. He was terrified. How would he land? Where? He'd be easy pickings for whatever that thing had been, because he'd be left as a crumpled ball of-

Branches, rocks, hills standing in just the right way so his body would treat them like a head-on surface to collide with. No gentle slopes, or convenient pillow-piles, or heck, he'd even take _water_ if it was available.

Like he'd wished it into being, the river was there, just below him. Joshua's eyes widened.

_No, no no! Gotta land further, please, Glob,_ he shouted in his own head, since shouting out loud would require more breath than he already had. He was going to drown, because he couldn't swim.

There was a glint. A brightness that covered everything and he was _burning_. And then he was on the far bank.

Panicked, Joshua patted at himself. No fire. No sign of injury. He hadn't even felt the fall, and the grass on the shore was hardly disturbed at all.

There was a roar. He glanced up, and saw the corporal being batted away by the beast. It had horns, which it lowered to charge. It hadn't even noticed him, or else had disregarded the thrown body as being less important than the prey that was still right there...

There was no other choice. Panic seized his body, and Joshua ran.

**-On The Verdant Plains-**

He'd been running, or rather, stumbling, for days. The little bits of travel lore that he remembered because of his uncle Jake had come back and made sure he'd had enough to eat to keep going, if not to manage a happily full stomach.

In his defense, he'd tried to make his way up to where the Candy Kingdom was, but there had been _something_ following him. The half-human boy never got more than a small glimpse of red, or heard more than the rustling of underbrush, but he knew it was there.

But he was somewhere he recognized, now. The grasslands that covered Ooo's center were vast and calm, and nearly devoid of predators. His aunt Lady had flown him around, and showed him Party Bears' wandering giant home, and the great snail migrations, and BMO's treehouse.

_I've got somewhere to go!_ The thought was like a sunrise. Bright, beautiful, and perfect. The treehouse was an near-ideal halfway point. He could send a message from there, with the help of the friendly AI, and maybe call for a ride. Maybe he'd see Princess Bubblegum again, and he could ride the Morrow! Even if the bird itself was all kinds of freaky.

"Mathematical!" he shouted, giving a fistpump. That was apparently enough to scare his stalker -_who turned out to be just five feet away and over his head!- _out of hiding. Literally speaking, too, since the tiny ball of fire fell right out of a tree branch.

"Ahh!" the boy shouted.

"Ahh!" the flambit shouted.

"Ah?" tried out Joshua.

"Hey, kid! Cripes, but yous gave me a scare, heh!" The tiny elemental shuffled his feet and grinned sardonically. "Doin' alright?"

"Flambo! _You_ were following me! You-" Joshua shook with anger. Deciding it would make him feel better, he _bopped_ the creature on the head. Then hugged him.

"What the stuff, man? You _scared _me!" Flambo looked down nervously from Joshua's shoulder.

"Geez, kid, I just caught up. There was lots of small stuff gettin' too close to yous while yous slept. I had to scare it away." They separated. "I was hidin' in Mismelt's armor, just taggin' along for whatevs, then I gets knocked out, and sees you runnin'!" He stepped closer a bit, while Joshua rubbed his eyes in embarrassment.

"Where we goin'?"

"Um," Joshua bit his lip. "Candy Kingdom. The princess is supposed to watch me." Flambo whistled.

"That's a walk and a half. And I knew that- heard everything, y'know. I meant- you know the way?" The boy nodded. He'd spent entire afternoons in front of an atlas of Ooo, tracing his father and uncle's adventures while imagining his own. He could probably track his way anywhere, so long as he didn't think he was about to be eaten in the process. Then, geography went right out the window.

"We'll have to track up to the treehouse. You know it?" Flambo nodded. _Everyone_ knew the treehouse. Flambo had spent uncountable nights sleeping in the bathtub there, according to uncle Jake.

"Mmm, what time is it, abouts?" asked Flambo.

"Um, maybe eight, nine? A few hours before noon. Why?"

So Flambo told him about the Spinning Beasts.

They were cow-like, if cows could be found naturally measuring eight feet at the shoulder. They didn't actually spin- they _did_, however, circle the grassy plains of Ooo continuously all year, switching from clockwise to counterclockwise every four weeks. Apparently, you could _ride_ them if you were stupid or desperate enough. They were fiercely protective of their young, so after Flambo had explained the idea, the conversation proceeded thusly:

"So, if we were stupid enough-"

"Or desperate enough!" cut in Flambo with a smile.

"Can't forget that. Right," replied Joshua. "Then we, what, jump on a baby cow carriage?" The tiny elemental shook his head frantically.

"Naw, sees, the adults'd gore us like fleshy pinatas. We go for the biggest, though, and they don't think we're's a threat, sees?"

"I don't see. I don't see _anything like that_."

Except that, however it happened, they both found themselves at the edge of a wide, partially-overgrown dirt track some half a mile into the plain.

"Are we even timing this right?" asked Joshua. "We might be waiting for weeks. It might just be faster to _walk_-"

"Naw. Dust cloud's there, yeah? Twenty minutes tops." And there was, indeed, a dust cloud just over the horizon. It grew exactly as quickly as it took time for a herd of giant bovines to reach their spot from the horizon.

"I think you've got a gift, there," said Joshua sarcastically. Flambo nodded.

"Yup. Expert timing's my's specialty!" Then he stepped out onto the track.

"Flambo, um, Flambo? We can't run up from behind if we're stampeded on!" The half-human looked from the elemental, who was waving him forward, to the rapidly approaching wave of beef.

"Come ons, if you wanna gets a ladder!" Time was ticking down at double speed. The boy curled his fingers over a pair of nervous, sweaty palms.

"Cosmic Owl, guide me from my worldly path as a pancake!" He darted over to Flambo, and stood transfixed.

"Good, kiddo! Now, runs til you sees a ladder!" Flambo spun and began bolting down the track on his stubby legs, away from the herd. Since his instincts were screaming at him to get away as fast as possible, Joshua had no problem doing the same.

_Ladder? What ladder? This isn't a trolley!_ he thought. Except as the first pounding hooves passed him, he saw that there _was _a ladder. There were several, and each one draped down from a beasts' hide and dangled like so much string. First one beast passed, then another, and Joshua knew that any minute a piston-like leg would stomp down on his back no matter _how _much he begged the Cosmic Owl.

"Now JUMPS!"

Joshua's eyes cast out and saw one tantalizingly close rope ladder. He dove, tripped, and felt his fingers close on the smoothed wooden rung. The last rung, below which the ropes seemed to have been gnawed off by tiny, vicious teeth.

_Oh, good._

Before the jolting shock could set in, and before he could be dragged along until exhaustion set in, the boy started hooking his elbows further and further up. Only once he was high enough for his weight to drag the ladder into a more vertical direction did he pause to breathe. The Spinning Beasts, in all of their sweating, stinking glory, ran alongside him without a sideways glance. Apparently he hadn't been taken as a threat.

"Need a hand, Sparky?" A shadow loomed over him. Along with the familiar voice, Joshua found himself gasping in relief.

"Aunt Marcy!"

The vampiress grinned in all her be-fanged glory.

**-Atop The Spinning Beasts-**

Marceline the Vampire Queen, wide-brimmed hat and all, made sure he was securely strapped before offering him an apple.

"Sorry I don't have any coal-cocoa, but I'm traveling light," she explained. Joshua shrugged.

"It's cool. Heading to a show?" The pale woman didn't visit often, but tended to dote on him like most of his dad's friends did.

"Naw, I'm done for the season. I'm heading to Lumpy Space. Royal family there's _totally_ freaking out about these new storm monsters. I figured my axe and me head up and lay some quality scares down, you know?" She paused, and thought. "After _that_, though, maybe I can get them to cobble me up a soundstage. Can't say no to ticket sales, amiright?" She hoisted up Flambo, unbothered by his fiery skin.

"Heys!" Marcy ignored him.

"What are you traveling out here with the nasty lil' flambit, here?"

So Joshua told their story so far, and his 'aunt' just took it all in grimly.

"Yeah, things are getting about that bad." She gestured to the other Spinning Beasts, who were, to Joshua's surprise, pretty heavily occupied by various humanoids. The three of them probably only had a bull to themselves because of Marcy's... reputation. "These," the woman continued, "are refugees. Headed to the plains just south of the Ice Kingdom. Sure, the guy's off his nut, most days, but he's pretty territorial when it comes to big bads. There's a small camp patrolled by penguins." Her brow crinkled. "For some reason." Joshua sighed.

"Let me guess- _you _wish my dad was here, too?"

"I know it's hard to hear so much, dude, but yeah. He was a rockin' warrior. And if your mom hadn't gotten there first when he started getting all tall and muscley..." Joshua stared. She was staring out and... and _blushing._

"Ugh!"

"Don't judge me!"

A night and half a day, spent mostly by he vampiress trying to embarrass the boy and Flambo trying not to laugh, brought the herd a heck of a lot closer, a heck of a lot _sooner_, than they'd have been on foot.

"Listen, kiddo, the area's pretty safe." Marcy gnawed her lip in thought. "Can you get straight to the treehouse from here? I'd guide you, but I'm sort of in a _big _hurry."

"Of course," replied Joshua with as much bravery as he could.

"Good, BMO will organize things from there, like you said." She paused to give him as warm a smile as an undead queen could, and didn't do so bad of a job.

"So much like Finn. Except less pudgy. I used to think most of his speed was pure inertia..."

She deposited him and Flambo both gently on the grass beyond the trail, and had to make double time back to the herd. Joshua waved until she and the cowering, humanoid refugees were out of sight.

"So..." began Flambo. He coughed.

"Yeah, we should get going."

"Abouts that talk she made-"

"Shut _up_, Flambo!" The boy started walking resolutely forward. The flame elemental followed at his heels.

"Only, I've never heards a talk like _that,_ befores. Lotta new stuff, but I think you gots to be able to floats for some of its..." Joshua told him to shut up, again, and resolved to bury this memory until he was thirty. When a sane person could make use of at least _half _of that advice.

**-The Treehouse-**

Whatever else, being able to see the treehouse was a comforting thing. By the time they'd drawn close, Joshua and Flambo were racing each other for the base of the makeshift building.

Odd, mechanical beings sprouted eyestalks or _clicked_ away quietly at their approach, but didn't do anything more than that. Somehow alerted, BMO met them at the door.

"Joshua, it is so good to see you! And... you are also here. Eh." Flambo looked hurt.

"Aw, come ons, we had us some good times, eh, BMO?" The tiny AI stared at him for a moment before returning its attention to Joshua.

"Are you well? You look almost undamaged. Come inside!" Joshua did so eaderly, and Flambo hurried along.

"It's good to see you again too, uncle BMO."

"Auntie," corrected the blue box, which had Joshua blinking.

_Right,_ he thought.

"...Auntie BMO. Can you get a message to the Candy Kingdom? Mom wanted me to go there for a while until she's back from Fire Kingdom." The tiny robot considered this.

"That is no _problem_, of course. You must stay the night, though. Neptr can make meat-people food." His... her display smiled at them.

"The pie guy? Why's he hangings around here?" asked Flambo. BMO scowled.

"_All_ AIs are welcome here. Jake was very kind, and let us stay. Many of us are not... upgradeable. This is a safe place. Our charging stations are supplemented by lightning, thanks to Princess Bubblegum."

"I could go for pie," interjected Joshua. That seemed to settle things.

Tiny AIs, and not-so-tiny ones, stayed up with the visitors until late that night. Several who'd been companions, like BMO, were overjoyed to have a humanoid around. Joshua played five game consoles which cheered him on during play, and might possibly have glitched things a bit to give him an easier time with the unfamiliar controllers.

It was later on, when the other AIs had rolled or stumbled their ways over to distinctly-shaped recharge ports, that BMO approached him. He was lying down in a fur-covered bed upstairs, where only a few of the most mobile robots had strayed.

"Are you well, Joshua?" With her screen dimmed to nighttime levels, the AI levered herself onto the covers.

"Just fine, BMO. Just... thinkin' about stuff." BMO quirked her head.

"There is a bathroom over there..." Joshua waved an unthreatening pillow, and she dutifully pretended to cower.

"I mean _stuff_. It's been a crazy few days, you crazy blue box." She bobbed at this, in an improvised nod.

"Yes, you must have been scared. But you have done so well!" She edged closer, and put a hand on his knee. "You cannot help but be strong. It is who you are. Jake visited at the beginning of Summer, and said he wants to take you on a dungeon crawl. He does not do that for everyone, you know!" Joshua smiled. That _did _sound fun. A real sword, and real bad guys, and treasure at the end. Just like his books. Just like all the stories of-

"I'm not my dad, BMO. I don't think I can fight like him. I don't even have mom's powers. I've just... _run_ a lot." The robot shrugged.

"You learn fighting as you go along. Start with slimes and work your way up, as they say." She paused. "Unless the slime is acidic, or can levitate, or is covered with bees. Then you run."

"Gotcha," said Joshua, and chuckled tiredly. He lay back, and was nearly unconscious when he heard a low electronic strain of sound. It was a recording, echoing out softly from BMO's speakers.

_"... the morning, you'll get goodies._

_puppy hats and puppy hoodies._

_No stripes or polka-dots..."_

_I'm too old for this stuff, _thought Joshua, but didn't do anything to make BMO stop. He was gone and out before the second verse was over.

_-Author's Note-_

_I'm using a live map of Ooo, but I'm _still_ probably taking a few liberties with distances and such (like those ever stayed constant!), so as you can see, Joshua's gotten a lot further East than he should have. But at least now he's got a friend with him._


	3. Skills And Thrills

_-Author's Note-_

_This one went all funny and heart-warming on me. It wasn't on purpose!_

_Also, I am five kinds of butt: new chapter of Bio Of A Nihilistic Prankster goes up tomorrow, with my apologies._

_Here's a short pre-story play for all you readers:_

_"At last, I have perfected my new multifilter!" cackles a redheaded witch. She hovers around a console rigged from spare soviet parts. The keyboard is built of scavenged furby eyes, and the entire thing is smoking and covered with what resembles some sort of alien afterbirth._

_"Yes, mistress?" The animatronic Mickey Mouse with scissor hands gazes up adoringly, curious to see this lady-author's newest triumph._

_"Behold these bangin' checkboxes I've hacked into the fanfiction site! I'll just uncheck any stories whose summaries contain 'lol-speech', more punctuation than letters, or references to how much the summary sucks. Voila!"_

_"Mistress, that composes eighty percent of all fanfiction!"_

_"Yes. Hey, what's this other box? ...Overly-long author's notes? Check, please!" If the scissor-mouse's face weren't an eternal frozen rictus, its eyes would have widened in horror._

_"Mistress, no!"_

_-BLIP-_

**Chapter Two: Skills And Thrills**

**-The Treehouse-**

Waking up early was bad. Waking up in a strange place was bad. Being woken up early, in a strange place, by the _thrum _of a stray crossbow bolt vibrating in the wood next to your head was all _kinds _of bad. Joshua was upright in a second, and managed to crouch like a ready, feral animal for all of two seconds before getting caught in the bed's fur blankets and tumbling to the floor.

"Zam! You're dead, fool! Your reflexes are like Neptr's, except I wouldn't trust you to throw even the most _common_ of custard pies!" Joshua chanced a glance up, peering over his own pretzel-like limbs. BMO grinned maliciously, holding a metal contraption half the size of her own body.

"BMO? What the stuff, girl?" The robot hopped down from the seachest that had served as an impromptu platform. She lay the glimmering thing in front of his face.

"Here," she said. "You are sorely lacking in skills, padawan. Too many points in charisma, too few in war crafts."

"Buh?" replied Joshua as he rolled back into a fairly humanoid, if very disheveled, state. He gingerly picked the thing up from the floor. This is..." He knew what it looked like, but the design was odder than any he'd seen.

"That is a modified, B3-7 Ardsley Horse Crossbow. It is the finest and most compact of weapons." BMO's emulated eys shone. "It is a work of art. It pains me to give it to you, as I have all but fallen in love with its oh-so-sleek curves."

"But I've got a-" Hunting bow? He'd left that at home. His practice sword? Wooden and useless, it was doubtless floating on the ocean by now. "Um, thank you." He immediately saw the craftsmanship, even if he was no expert. Pushing _this_ against everything re-tensioned the compound string, load it from _this_ slot, and- BMO's continued speech cut off his train of thought.

"You need only your body weight to restring it, and any stable surface to brace on." She leaned forward over his sprawled form. "With this, you will learn _skills,_" she said, in all seriousness.

"Skills?" She threw out her arms and sounded gleeful, then.

"Skills for stunts! Stunts for daring battle!"

"Oh." Joshua cast his eyes back down. "I can't fight, BMO. I got a bad roll at the start, even with mom and dad." The jargon was his uncle Jake's, but never phrased so pesimistically. The days of running had left him feeling unhappy with himself, and helpless.

"Anyone can fight, young Joshua," said the AI with no small shock. "Most don't, but they _can_. I myself am a ninja of no small skills! You just need a motivation. Jake and Flame Princess fought because they followed Finn. He believed, and they could feel that."

"Believed in... what? Everything he believed in has gone all messed up! It's like every bad thing he stopped was just waiting to be replaced by even darker monsters. Everyone says things are worse than ever." He remembered the corporal, guiding him through the forest. Flame elementals were eternally pessimistic- actually _depressing_ them so that things turned out _worse_ than they had expected was... some kind of twisted achievement. BMO just shook her body to the negative.

"While I am sure you have always heard good things about your father, Joshua, not many know that he could be a very, very sad man." _That _caught the half-human's attention.

"Uncle Jake says the only times his brother wasn't shouting or laughing was when he was asleep, and sometimes not even then."

Pensively, at first, but picking up speed, text began scrolling down BMO's face.

"I cannot see like this, could you take me to the attic? It will be more private there." Joshua shrugged, and left the crossbow on the bed. He hoisted BMO to his shoulders and ascended the corner ladder.

The space was, like most of the treehouse, crammed full of the trophies of adventures past, loot, and video archives. He set the tiny robot down on the creaky floor beams.

"When he was seventeen, Princess Bubblegum advise your father keep journals, as a kind of addendum to the Enchiridion. What isn't in the Candy Kingdom Libraries, though, is what he had _me_ record."

"BMO..." Joshua felt like he was suddenly treading on very private ground.

"Hush, now. If anyone has the right, it is you. I am only sorry I have peeked, myself. Though I must admit, 'faeseyes' was a very easy password to guess." Joshua had the grace to blush for his father's sake before settling cross-legged on the floor. The scrolling entries on BMO's face stopped, selected, and played.

_"Are you set, BMO?" asks a voice, slightly raspy, but strong._

_"Of course, Finn. Are you sure you do not want me to watch? I could provide very colorful commentary!" The image swings, and a tall, sinewy man with kind eyes and shaggy, blond hair settles into view. He chuckles._

_"Maybe another time, BMO. Personality hibernate, please." The video dims slightly, but continues to record._

_"Alright. Um. This is... whatever the last entry was, plus one, I guess." A hand reaches up and scratches the back of Finn's neck. "I've gotta work on remembering better."_

_"Anyway, the Duke of Nuts made a big donation for Peebles's library today. Really old stuff, I mean. Some of it was just post-war, printed by actual humans. The princess wanted me up there when they started loading stuff in glass cases and whatever. Something for the crowd's to get all appreciative about, and I'm not talking about my good looks, this time." A frown, somewhat puzzled but... tired, appears on his face._

_"So I'm there, and all these relics are there, and I realize I'm standing between two of these cases. Like, just like I was numero three-o, y'know? And I felt, like, crazy-old. I'm only a kid, still, but I feel _old!_ And I can't help but think, _I'm just another relic. _I'm still moving, but I'm like a left-over. Cold spaghetti in the refrigerator of history. My parents' bones are gonna be picked out of the ground someday, somewhere, and get stuck in a museum. If there's any bones left of them."_

_"Whatever I'm doing, I'm already history. Tomorrow's gonna happen, but it'll already be, _'On this day in the year whatever, Finn the Last Human fought so and so, which paved the way for a bunch of people who still exist.'" _The image flickers, like it's jumping forward, and Finn is still there. A bit older. With new scars visible at the collar of his shirt and on the meat of his arms._

_"I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna marry Fae. She wants to be a little closer to the Mountain Kingdom, which is cool, cause I grew up there, and I want to build us a house. We're gonna call it Kindle Cabin, cause apparently we're still dumb kids who like fire puns." The blond grins, wryly._

_"I asked Peebs the other week, to, uh, check. About..." he shrugs, uncomfortably. "So embarrassing. But, I don't know if we can have kids. I'm as close to pure human as you can find, after the war, and I guess these days being less human and more... candy, lumpy, rock-dude or fire-lady, or whatever, makes it easier to have kids. Fae doesn't bring it up, but she keeps asking me if I like this name or that name, and won't tell me the reason. I'm worried I can't..."_

_The frames skip again. This time, the blond man is doing stationary somersaults He tries dancing with the camera, which is in all actuality an unresponsive BMO, and gives a big, broken grin._

_"What was it Jake said? 'Practice makes perfect?' I guess that works for more than just viola. I get to be a dad! I'm..." he stiffens up. "I'm not a dead end. Something I made is gonna last forever, sorta. I'd never trade the good I've done for anything, but now it's... it's..." There is a time skip, but it only lasts seconds. The man in the frame is rubbing at suspiciously red eyes._

_"His name's gonna be Joshua, just like mine and Jake's dad. The same dog who protected the Mountain Kingdom and built a family dungeon just to make sure I'd be ready to face the world. Jake got to keep the goofy hat, but the name's going to my boy. I'm gonna keep every bit of Ooo safe because Ooo is going to love him. There won't be a square patch of dirt that won't love him and be his playground. The world isn't a human place, anymore. It belongs to my beautiful wife's beautiful, chubby lil' infant." Finn leans into the camera._

_"Happy birthday, kid. I'm gonna give you the world."_

The video ended, and the room was dark, and quiet.

"BMO?"

"Yes, Joshua?"

"I think I could walk to the Candy Kingdom, instead. It's just low-level monsters, right?" BMO's face returned on-screen, and she grinned.

"We will raise your skills so high." The robot did a jig. "You will need a party!" Joshua felt himself more than a bit taken aback.

"I don't know if there's time to plan anything. Cakes take a while," he mentioned. Whether or not he deemed whatever it was that just happened to be party-worthy, he wouldn't flat-out refuse _cake_.

"Not _that_ kind of party. A _dungeon crawl_ party!"

**-Northwest Of The Treehouse-**

"This is dumb. This is so dumb." BMO scowled.

"No fear, Joshua. You must face your enemy! You must believe that it is counter to all good things in the world. To defeat it is to affirm yourself as a hero!" Joshua eyed the ambiguously female robot dubiously. He eyed his 'opponent'.

"It's a mushroom." BMO shook in anger.

"It is the devil born as fungus! Strike him down!" Joshua sighed, released the safety, and fired.

The semi-meaty surface of the large, utterly stationary mushroom quivered with the impact. Joshua was not impressed. Eyes, -angry, red, _maddened _eyes- stationed up and down the mushroom's body opened. Well, _now_ he was impressed. It hissed.

"Do not let the spore launchers hit you!" cautioned the robot.

_Spore launchers?_ It took a moment. _Oh, _those_ spore launchers. I _really_ hope I get a shield as loot. Soon._ As soon as he thought it, thin jets of yellow dust were arcing out toward him. He ran, dipped, and threw himself out of their path. Most of their paths. One, driven by the faint wind, arced toward him. His next 'skill improvement' would be learning how _not_ to land on his own hands!

His worry was short lived. A spark leapt up, over his head and into the path of the spores. The fine biological dust ignited instantly. His inner fire elemental whistled appreciatively. Then the much less hypothetical elemental behind him started laughing.

"Takes that! Hot enough? I'll shows you yet for messin' with _my_ party!" The little elemental, doing some sort of victory jig, halted at the hissing _thwack _of a pair of nunchaku. As wielded by a tiny, yet oddly intimidating robot.

"You are not in the party, Flambo. You are an NPC." The flambit sulked.

"Every party needs a mage. I know, like, t'ree spells, doll!" BMO looked unimpressed. "This is abouts the sink, isn't its?" muttered the living flame.

"You _peed _in it. That was my sink! I brushed my screen, there! It _melted._" The flambit shrugged sheepishly.

"Finn always put out the good coal! He was a bud- nevers said much whens I took more than maybe a fair share. It was the carbon, I swears it!" Joshua, who really did _not_ want to hear about melting sinks, stepped in.

"He's sort of right, there," the boy said. "One ranged fighter, one mage, one... ninja. It's good party balance!" he claimed, trying to remember everything his uncle Jake had ever mentioned about dungeons, and the crawling thereof. Even if there hadn't been any dungeons so far _per se_, and he didn't think it was quite... sane, to crawl one so soon.

The AI seemed to consider this. She eyed Flambo, circled him, and at one point checked his teeth.

"We'll call it probation, then."

Their quest continued on for some hours, through roaming monster trails and deadfalls. Joshua was amazed at how fast his aim had improved. It had been wonky, until he remembered seeing his mother on their homemade range, sending flares into asbestos targets. He'd gone from handicapped by inexperience to useful in less than a day. He wondered, idly, what other adventuring tools he might take to...

Given his was the only sense of smell that wasn't focused imaginary or focused on finding tinder, he was the first to notice the orchard. The scent of apples was strong, ever-present, and homey. And somewhat... chilly?

There was a cold breeze spilling out from between the trees. Given that it was still a _long _way from winter, Joshua felt an instant growth of foreboding.

"Guys?"

"I can feel it, Joshua," replied BMO. "Let us investigate. I will sneak in, you two are... eehh, less subtle." The half-human really wished he could argue with that, but Flambo was, well, a flambit, and he himself shed embers like some shed dandruff.

Which was a comparison he did _not _suffer gladly.

Grudgingly, he nodded his understanding and watched the stealthy greenish-blue box disappear into the foliage.

"Ya knows? I thinks there's _somethin' _to that ninja business," remarked Flambo oddly. Joshua nodded gamely.

"Probably. You ready for this?" They set out, slowly. The cold grew until it felt like they were in some sort of naturally occurring grocery section, complete with freezers. The growing dark didn't help much to change that impression.

Joshua edgily checked and rechecked the tension on the horse bow, while Flambo actually started tossing a small, super-heated rock between his hands like a nervous, arsonist pitcher would.

They were approaching a clearing -the seeming source of the cold- when BMO's voice rang out.

"Guys, come quick! Bring fire!" she added, redundantly.

The two rushed forward, until the full light of the moon cast a clear vision of a small glacier. Feeling nonplussed, but still wary of the hulk sprouting eyes and turning out to be some sort of ice monster (in which case he felt no shame in admitting he'd throw Flambo at it), he caught sight of BMO pointing excitedly at something in the interior of the frozen thing. Since BMO didn't look to be expecting any trouble, Joshua lowered his two-handed grip of the bow and drew forward.

It was Tree Trunks. The nicest lady... elephant, whatever, thing to ever bake a pie. The same person who, with her pig boyfriend, had trekked to Mountain Kingdom to bring preserves when his mom was sick and little Joshua was left to take care of the household.

"Get her out," he barked at Flambo. "BMO, eyes up." He himself started circling the ice continuously, with an eye out to the forest. The cold coming at his back made his muscles cramp and shake, and he wondered if maybe he couldn't just widen his perimeter a _teensy _bit. That was, until a harsh, dry cough echoed from behind him. With one last glance at the empty orchard, Joshua hurried over to where Flambo was still waving his hands in a fiery blur over the tiny green elephant.

"Alright, _kaff! _Alright, jus' give me a _moment_, please..." Tree Trunks blinked a few ice crystals from her eyelids. "Well I'm darned if you aren't the _oddest_ gatherin' of good folks I've seen t'date!"

"Hi, Tree Trunks!" chirped BMO, hugging the creature.

"Hey, darlin'. Flambo, your healin' touch is _most_ appreciated. And young Joshua!" The half-human ducked his head.

"Hi. It's good to see you again. Are you alright?" He hefted the bow slightly. "Who did this?" To his surprise, she laughed.

"Aw my. Shyest thing to ever hop outta a hearthstone, you were, and _look _at ya!" She shrugged back toward the frozen block. "But this was just the Ice King's doin', no trouble at _all_."

"The Ice King!" BMO began scanning the skies.

"No, no! Don't be all excited, now. He's just... he don't _know_ no better, you know? He'll be talking to you, remember he had to do somethin' and when he _says_ ta hold that thought... he just assumes you'll hold it better if'n your thoughts ain't _movin', _as such."

"The guy freezes ya... so's he can... unfreeze ya when he remembers that yous and he was havin' a conversation?" let out Flambo dumbly.

"Yes... he's not too _bright,_ sometimes, you understand," said Tree Trunks as if embarrassed for the old wizard's sake. "I usually thaw out _quick _enough, but I'll admit that it's a bit embarrassing. And when the _husband _is home and he's got to drag out a hairdryer on an extension cord..."

"Um," said Joshua, which seemed to sum up the situation. He gently released the tension on the horse bow. "Well, we were on our way to Candy Kingdom for, uh... to..."

_To what?_ he asked himself. He was supposed to be under the watch of Princess Bubblegum, warrior ruler that she was. But here he was, learning skills (_for stunts!_ chirped a memory) and just... having the time of his life! He never went far on his own, and with his impromptu party or not, the rush of independence was leaving him light-headed, all of a sudden.

"...just adventuring, you know?" He heard a slight shuffle and cough from his smaller companions, which he gamely ignored. "We've been clearing out some monsters on our way from the treehouse, heh." The elephant brightened.

"Well, let it never be said I let an adventurer leave on an _empty _stomach. Why ,I remember the time _Billy _hisself came through, though that was quite some time ago and you'd _surely _not want me to bore you..." She motioned with her trunk for them to follow her.

"Of course I'd want to hear about that!" exclaimed Joshua. He glanced at BMO. "We'll be right along, Tree Trunks. I've got to have a quick word with the, uh, team." The elephant cheerfully hurried ahead, listing pie ingredients out loud. BMO, however, was sternly tapping her foot on the mossy orchard floor.

"Just adventuring? I know this may seem exciting, but people will worry if you are not at the Candy Kingdom soon, Joshua! The guard you were with is dead- if no word arrives, then they will think you are, too!" Joshua's eyes bugged, just a bit.

"Easy, BMO! I know. We _are_ going there. It's just a _tiny bit embarassing _telling everyone I'm hurrying over to my babysitter, understand?" BMO settled down immediately and looked contrite.

"My apologies, Joshua. I did not mean to upset you! And you are right, it does no harm, it is not _really _a lie..." She shrugged. "Let us go get some pie, yes? Between here and Candy Kingdom, we can detour, just a little bit. There are some small, broken cliffs where we can train you in additional _stunts._" She looked up hopefully, and Joshua grinned at her. He had to remember how much she was doing for him- otherwise he would still be at the treehouse, waiting for a ride, and not getting to do _any _of this.

In the robot's own words, he would still be an NPC.

Before they left the treehouse, BMO had programmed up a little chart for him. To keep track of his skills, she said. He was, by her count, level 'four', now. It was sort of hilarious, since the numbers were _completely _arbitrary. The little _ding! _he got with each new level was sort of cool, though he still had no idea how cloud-watching gave him experience in woodcarving, of all things.

They ate well that night. Well, he and Flambo did. _He_ did, at any rate... who knows how much the little flame elemental favored the taste of carbon-black pie crusts?

The cabin was crowded, but Tree Trunks seemed happy to pull out extra bedding and chatter away long into the late evening. Storybooks just didn't tend to mention that _this_ barbarian nearly died because he was allergic to wheat, or how _that_ adventurer's companion-fairy had such a low attention span that she just _had _to alert the hero to every shiny object they passed with a, "Hey, listen!"

It was just _math_, and Joshua finally dozed off with a smile on his face.

**-The Cotton Candy Forest-**

"Run. Run, run run-run-run!"

"I'm runnin'!"

"Faster, steed!"

The last statement was BMO's, who was perched on Joshua's shoulder and facing toward their pursuer.

"Hey... BMO," said Joshua between breaths, "How many... levels is... that one worth!?" The tiny robot batted his sparking hair.

"Negative-infinity levels in your 'getting eaten' skill! That is a bad skill, Joshua!"

"Wait, wouldn't negative levels make me- oh, Glob!" A syrupy, rock candy-barbed tentacle swung past the half-human and scored the turf of the hill to their left. Dirt showered his face.

"Give me a... direction, BMO!" Running flat-out from the monster was only keeping them alive by virtue of the thing's wanting to pause and try to lash them to shreds every few feet. It had chicken-like legs, but the rest of the mindless beast seemed to resemble an armored sea anemone.

_Nothing,_ thought Joshua, _should be that horrifying when it's obviously made out of candy flesh._

"Lef-, no, um, rig-, not that either! Go faster!"

"Faster isn't... a direction!"

Flambo -and Joshua blessed the fire elemental's frantic little heart- leapt and spun a full circle, hurling tiny, gathered stones. The pebbles had been heated to near-incandescence. The half-human heard the monster _shriek._

"Bad idea!" shouted the elemental. The heavy pounding of the monster's steps picked up in tempo, and Joshua felt the tiny hairs on the back of his neck prick up. BMO hugged the side of his head and wailed.

And that, believed Joshua, should have been the end. He could _feel_ the approaching, razor-sharp lash, arcing toward his spine. Maybe it would knock him over, though most likely it would shear him in half and _he was going to die!_

His vision exploded into white, and for a moment he believed that he'd suddenly received an unexpectedly painless death. But then his vision wasn't white, just seemingly... having _jumped._

The beast was thrashing, turning, trying to find him. Joshua was a good sixty feet away from the thing, somehow. Flambo, shocked into stillness, was staring at him. He nearly got trampled for his inattention, but scampered off on all fours, away from the dazed beast.

"That thing yous did! Do it again!" shouted the flambit. Joshua stared.

"What thing?"

"The thing! Do it!"

"What did I do!?" Joshua shook off his confusion and loaded his crossbow while he still had a few, precious moments in which to stand still.

He took aim, and watched with surprise as the bolt flew true. The tendon stretched tendon at the back of the creature's bird-like claw was severed. The muscles in the limb pulled uselessly, seemingly to roll up into the back of its leg.

_Sick!_ quailed Joshua. However, it did _exactly _as he'd hoped for- the creature was too slow to chase them. The thing was squealing and thrashing, now.

BMO gaped, first at the monster, and then back at the boy.

"You should, um, finish it quickly, Joshua," said the AI. "It might have powers of regeneration!"

_That _snapped the boy out of his daze. If nothing else, the shot had been too nice to waste this chance. He lifted the crossbow and restrung it, only to find he couldn't aim. The boy found his hands were just shaking too hard to make fine maneuvers.

_Easy enough, just close the distance. _He did so, unsteadily at first, but he forced his legs to straighten out, some.

"So what was the thing that he did?" came BMO's curious voice. Joshua steadied his weapon and stalked just a bit more confidently.

_Easy does it..._

"He just, he, uh, yous and he both _vanished! _Like, you both was there, and then sorta crackled, and fire's zippin' over to wheres you was next, and theres you was!" Joshua tried to process this while still watching the thrashing animal, but when it suddenly clicked in his mind, his focus disappeared completely. He spun.

"_I did _what!?"

The beast roared. Whiteness, again, and Joshua's arm was bleeding but he was ten feet further away and his good arm was raised and aiming-

_Sss-thunk!_

The bolt hit the monster's center mass and buried itself. The candy beast shuddered, and finally went still.

"Man you did its again!" cheered Flambo.

"Oh my," came BMO's voice.

"What on earth is going on here!" _This_ voice was new. This voice was powerful, and demanded his _immediate_ attention. Joshua spun in place.

"BMO? Flambo? And-" Princess Bubblegum's eyes locked on the young boy's form.

"Hey Peebles! I'm, um, wait, that monster wasn't _yours_, was it!?" Joshua felt horrified. Horrified that he might have killed one of the Candy Kingdom's ruler's experiments, and horrified that, so stuck was his head in the stories of his father, the last week, that he'd referred to her royal person as _Peebles!_

**-Five Seconds Earlier-**

The mutant they'd been seeking for over a day had been spotted. Its trail, left as if in an enraged hurry, had cut a wide and easy to follow swath through the cotton candy forest. Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum, loaded to kill and just wanting to get this chase over with, found herself marching into a page out of history.

The monster was already slain. A blond boy, who seemed to _glow, _was standing in front of it with some kind of drawn weapon and he was wearing that _stupid green backpack and-!_

Two of the smallest and most famous characters in the kingdom were standing next to... next to...

"Hey Peebles!"

"Oh Glob, Finn!" she whispered, inaudibly. Then she caught herself. The boy's head was lightly _smoldering_, by the Cosmic Owl's sakes! Common sense overtook nostalgia, and she shook her head to clear it. Too small, too fine-boned.

"J... Joshua! I hardly recognized you!" The young half-human, half-fire elemental shuffled his feet a bit.

_And that's not even a half-truth, _she privately admitted. Out loud, she added, "We were expecting you any day now, from your mother's messenger bird. Did something happen?"

The boy's expression took on a half-bitter cast.

"Yeah... you could say that, your majesty."

'Your majesty.' Funny, she almost felt like telling him to stop being so uptight. 'Peebles' was a name between her and friends, or at least _had_ been, before Ooo's most famous heroes had been caught in a running, five-year fight against chaos.

"Right then," she said, cutting off her own erroneous train of thought. "Let's join up with my hunting party, this victory of yours has freed up the rest of the day," she said, suddenly feeling enthusiastic after having seen the monster brought low. The stupid thing had evaded them for _way _too long...

Joshua grinned.

**-Candy Palace-**

Joshua boggled at the sight of the Candy Kingdom's main settlement. He hadn't been to visit since he was a great deal smaller, traveling with his mother. It was larger, now, and more populous. It was also a great deal more fortified.

The walls were taller, thicker, and more intricate. Tiny gates littered the town's interior, acting as chokepoints that could close at a moment's notice.

"It's wonderful," he remarked. "You've, ah, added a bit since I was last here, your highness." Old lessons in etiquette were coming back to him, but only in a frustrating, slow trickle. The princess sighed.

"Indeed, we've had to build quite a bit. I've had to step in and start _producing _banana guards, since the population wasn't rising fast enough, naturally."

A reminder of what his uncle Jake had called 'PB's scary science stuff'. Joshua tried to mentally recount the 'zombie checklist'. Just in case.

"The last two years I've been advising the neighboring kingdoms on fortifications and defensive measures. That is, when I'm not leading hunting parties to clear out the dangers that keep cropping up like weeds in fertile soil," the pink-hued woman admitted. "The Earls of Lemongrab have been digging mazes of acidic juice-moats, which have become quite problematic in and of themselves."

"Oh," replied Joshua, for lack of anything better to say. "Is there... um, have you gotten any news from the Fire Kingdom?" he asked. If he'd had _this _much trouble finding his way here on his own, he was still left without a clue as to how his mother was faring. His worries were eased, though, at the princess's sudden look of excitement.

"Just this morning a messenger arrived, bringing tidings of your mother's good health! I was worried that I'd have to send a rather... disappointing reply tonight, but your fortuitous appearance has changed everything!" Joshua, cheered by the woman's own obvious enthusiasm, suddenly straightened up and bit his lip.

"Um, princess, if it's not too much to ask, and I know you've got to tell her about what happened to Corporal Mismelt and all, but do you think you could leave out the monster attack? I don't know if Flame Elementals can suffer heart attacks or not, but..." The princess seemed shocked at the reminder, but rubbed her index finger against her lip thoughtfully.

"Yes, I suppose that _might_ be a bit much. Perhaps I could at least stress how you were safe and kept your distance." Joshua felt slightly numb, and he concentrated on keeping as still a poker face as possible. He'd had the good sense not to mention nearly drowning, nearly getting trampled, provoking monsters or nearly having the skin of his back torn off in strips.

That had _definitely_ been a good decision.

BMO and Flambo, walking alongside us, began whistling innocently. In tandem.

"Let's get the three of you settled in, shall we?"

They ate more sugar that night than Joshua had ever been allowed to have in a given week, and he was feeling the effects. BMO had long since gone into her power-saving mode. Joshua's fingers bounced on the arms of his chair in a staccato rhythm. They'd received a massive guest suite for the length of their visit, one that was traditionally, _completely _flame-proof. It was great, and opulent, but Joshua felt like his eyeballs were going to start vibrating.

"I... need to do something. Anything," Joshua said out loud. Flambo, just as jittery, nodded.

There was an archery range, and he could go practice with his crossbow, but he felt like he'd just be improving too slowly without moving targets. Aiming really did come naturally to him, but that had the side-effect of leaving him frustrated without an adequate challenge. There was the library, but he couldn't bear to sit still, let alone read.

"I knows! We could go do that thing!"exclaimed the flambit. Joshua eyed him curiously.

"The thing you said I did before, with the monster?" The very 'thing' he'd done again just moments later, finding himself out of range of the monster's limbs. Flambo nodded excitedly.

"Yeahs! It was awesome!" The suggestion didn't come with some sort of epic internal debate- between being curious as heck and just as restless, Joshua was out the door before Flambo had even gotten up.

They walked, albeit hurriedly, down the corridor. Joshua made sure to greet every servant and citizen still out in the late hour, which in all honestly likely doubled the length of the trip. The people here were strange to Joshua's eyes, but happy in a way he didn't often see in the Mountain Kingdom's inhabitants. This really was the safest place in Ooo, these days.

They stepped out into the warm air of the rear courtyard. It wasn't quite as spacious as the archery range, but it certainly looked a lot nicer. And, as a bonus, it was empty. Since Joshua wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to be doing, or how to do it, he felt marginally better about not having to do what he didn't know how to do in front of other people, at least.

He winced. His last thought had been _far_ too wordy.

"Alrights, let's sees what you got!" Flambo grinned and rubbed his hands gleefully.

"Alright..." Joshua focused. Then strained. Then grit his teeth until he could hear the enamel wearing down. "Mnngh... nothin'. I don't think this is working, Flambo." The flambit waved him off.

"Crazy talk. We've gottas... what was it? Right, we've gotta replicates the conditions! Like science!"

"What conditions?" asked Joshua, cautiously. Flambo grinned, and raised a tiny fistful of molten pebbles. "Oh. Oh, you've got to be kidding m-ee_eee!"_

_Dzat! K-dzat!_

Pebbles, flicked with eerie accuracy, struck the dirt around his feet. Joshua danced, rolled, and shouted what few obscenities he knew at the tiny creature.

_Dzat!_

"Augh!" There was a mark seared into his cheek, now. He could feel it. Half-flame elemental or not, molten rock moving at those speeds wasn't something he could just shake off. He _could_ bleed, after all.

Flambo eyed him and readied more rocks.

"This is for yous own good, kid. That thing saved yous life! We gotta get it workin' right."

"I change my mind! I don't wanna do the thing!"

"Then this is gonna hoits..." The next round, for one brief second, filled Joshua's world. It was bright, brightness in his eyes, and then there were stars. Joshua realized he was lying on the ground, but that he hadn't, at any point, actually fallen. He was just _there._ Blearily, he realized he could make out a fading heat trail. It was spearing right through where his head would be, were he standing.

Joshua glanced over his own chest at Flambo, who was grinning like the smug source of all evil.

"You smug, sonnova-" There was a cough. Both he and Flambo glanced over to where Princess Bubblegum was taking tea with BMO, with Peppermint Butler at their side. A small assortment of off-duty guards and kitchen staff had gathered as well.

The princess, he noticed, was clenching a notebook in pencil. She smiled and gazed... well, he'd have to describe it as 'hungrily' at him. He fought the urge to shiver.

"Do you think you could replicate that feat while mobile?" she asked.

And so it went. Questions, all along the lines of 'can you do this?' or 'what if we changed circumstances via...?' and so on.

But those requests were... they were so _easy!_ Half of the time, Joshua found himself trying something before the princess had the time to verbalize it. Doing it in quick succession, like some sort of anti-strobe light. Forty feet straight up into the air, from where he'd free-fallen for less than a second before appearing back on the ground.

There was a wall he couldn't have climbed with his bare hands. Within the very instant he set his sights on it, he was on top of the hard candy crenelations. He tagged a startled guard before sending himself back down to the courtyard.

He crossed the entire length of the open space in one shot, and repeated the action until he felt something ache inside of him. Midway through his next disappearance, he failed to disappear at all and just stumbled onto the turf.

Bubblegum was hovering over him in a second, but he just giggled up at her. He felt like pulled taffy, and he ached like never before, but it was all somehow, indescribably _wonderful._

"Again!" he cackled, but was unconscious before the princess could do more than let out an exasperated giggle.

_-Author's Note-_

_Yikes, I just can't stop writing longer and longer chapters. I hope you liked this one!_

_Now, just like with my other story, 'Bio Of A Nihilistic Prankster', I've got a bit of a reward system going. If we hit one hundred reviews with this one-way train to destruction of a story, I write you all a oneshot. One for which I'm _very _open to suggestions._

_See you all next week!_


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